New Year’s Eve is now a distant memory and let’s face it so are the majority of our resolutions. I attempted to give up biscuits, obviously I gave in four days later. Clearly I lack any form of willpower, but the magnetic draw of the chocolate digestive was just too strong.
Oh well, you win some, you lose some.
I think my main issue was that no part of me ever wanted to abstain from indulging in bourbons, custard creams and the whole McVitie’s family. Why would I? I just felt pressured by society to do so. Therefore I was destined for failure from the start. However, I’d have no problem giving up all of the below for the entirety of 2016. In fact, I’d have no problem cutting all of the below out from my life forever.
1. Donald Trump.
Anyone who says, “If Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her,” shouldn’t be running a country. Your five-minutes of fame are over man.
2. Bones, brains and balls in our fast food.
I think we can all agree that our lives could do without these gross findings, but sadly KFC didn’t get the memo. Another diner recently found a nasty surprise in their chicken; a shrivelled lump of lung. YUMMY!
3. Vegans who love talking about being vegan.
We understand that you love courgetti and abstain from eating meat, yip-a-dee-doo-dah-fucking-day! Do I want to hear you talk about it 24/7? Absolutely not. I want to munch on steak, ribs and wings daily. Deal with it.
4. Non-crispy bacon.
While we are on the meat hype. In my opinion restaurants and cafés who are incapable of cooking bacon correctly need to be shut down immediately. It should be crispy, including the fat. CRISPY GOD DAMN IT!
5. The Kardashians.
The thing with this family is that we all know we should stay away from them, but we just can’t help ourselves. Amid the tweets, Instagram posts and sex tapes, we get sucked in and one by one give in to the pulsing urge. But I could really do without the indulgence. After all, why are we so intrigued? No one seems to know the answer.
6. Morning breath.
This one speaks for itself. No one wants to start their day by breathing in their other half’s STANKING breath as the sun rises.
7. Visible panty lines, aka. VPLs.
Girls this is a fashion no-no, please refrain from doing it. We need to leave something up to the imagination. Buy appropriate underwear, go commando, do anything other than this I beg of you.
8. Facebook pokes and FarmVille requests.
These irritating requests and notifications need to stop. Rumour has it you can actually block these annoyances in your account settings. Hallelujah!
9. Man buns.
The hairstyle is popular among hipster hunks and can catapult a person from good-looking to God. But only when a man bun is appropriate, clearly the bloke on the left skipped that lesson.
10. Overripe bananas.
I am aware that it may just be me who gets really agitated by this, but come on, surely no one needs overripe bananas in their lives.
I don’t want to go all deep on you, however, I think we can all agree that terrorists can do one.
12. The word ‘BAE.’
Please stop the madness, this isn’t a word. I’m not sure what it is, but it definitely isn’t a word.
Well there you have it ladies and gents, don’t you agree that the world would be a much greater place without all of the above? I’ll take that as a yes.
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